I really hope that Ann can find me a job, Stephanie is always late my mom doesn't need me. It gets stressful because I need her to be here at 9, she's done this so many times and if she worked any where else I am pretty sure that they would have fired her. Yesterday when she came she was fine and this morning I got a text "I'm not feeling good, I might be late I don't want to get you sick". Between her and my mom they both stress me out, my mom is always asking me about my showers and Stephanie not always coming in them two stress me out allot! I would go to prayer with Steph on Tuesday's but Al is there and it's uncomfortable for me to be there, last week when I went it was really uncomfortable and that's why I don't want to go back to cross roads, it's uncomfortable for me there and no one asks about me. They clearly don't want me there and it's not a good feeling to be there and my mom asked Steph "why don't you bring her there?" yes I like the worship but the people don't like me there and I don't want to go some where else where I am not needed. Al wants me to read my bible and go swimming but I do enough for myself when I do the quotes and bible verses I read the bible and last week at prayer he wouldn't look at me. I don't want to go back to cross roads because it will be an odd feeling and I know they don't want me there and it's not a good feeling. I need to find a pca who can take me to church and do things like that with me in the winter, my mom is so busy with Jorma and he needs to come with us every where we go.
I am happy that Jorma's not here, my mom and I are going grocery shopping and if he was here then he would follow us. He really reminds me a child, he's in Sweden now visiting his other daughter and his 4 grandchildren. I went to Finland when I was one year old, I have allot of aunts and uncles there. Finnish chocolate is allot better than American chocolate I like the taste better. I remember when he moved in it was the hardest thing for me, my mom and him went upstairs and I was alone in my room. When he's here he follows her every where and at times I want to say "grow up". I am glad that my mom didn't put me in a group home like Alycia's mom did, I googled day programs and I am going to call them to see if I could help out in one of them it would give me something to do during the days.
I went to market basket with my mom and I drove down there and this lady from the arc saw me and she said "we want you to come back" I said talk to the director" she said "I am tomorrow". Stephanie likes going out but I would rather be at the library or barns and noble, but she did say that if I go to work again that she'll come with me so that I don't lose the hours. I kind of don't want to give my mom the hours because she doesn't spend time with me. She's always on the phone or watching TV. If she would take me out with Jorma being here than he would need to follow us but he's in Finland and I am happy that he is in Finland. I don't need to see him walk around in his boxers and he walks around with no shirt on. I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but he's not my dad and he shouldn't even be living here, he use to live at Mary's than my mom let him move in. I really wish that he wouldn't have moved in but it's their life if they want to live in sin they can. When we got home I said to my mom "the reason why I like you to charge my chair at nights it's because you charge your legs at night and my chair is my legs" and she said "Chris said it doesn't need to be charged every day and it can go 20 miles without being charged". I texted that to Dawn and she charges her chair every night and it's true our chair's are our legs and if we don't have them charged than we are stuck in one position and that's not fair for us.
Tomorrow I am calling Ann she wasn't in the office today but I am going to ask her two things one if my pca company called her to see if they can get more pca hours and 2 if she found out the waiting list for shared living is. I can't live here anymore, there is no love here and my mom always seems to be upset with me and no matter what I do, I cannot please her. I am sick of it, I've done it for so long that I can't do it anymore. I need to move out and start living and having fun. I want to have a life with new people, Maiju and Suvi they don't want to hang out with me and they don't have ramps in their houses and I wish they would but they don't. If I were them I would have a ramp to my house and have more interaction with my sister. But they are busy and I really need to move out when Jorma comes back next month I know that at nights that he'll be walking around in his boxers and no shirt on. My mom gets bent out of shape out of the little things and I wish that she would get a hospital bed it would make both of our lives easier but she doesn't want it. I want another pca so that Stephanie doesn't need to do all the showers and she called out today and my mom did my laundry but a month ago she said that she wasn't going to do it anymore. She just wants to do the easy things, I go through so much but God really helps me and I am glad that he does help me. I probably would have given up along time ago probably after my dad died but I didn't give up on God or my life. I am also hoping that I can get my job back at the arc to feel good about myself and to get out of the house. I am hoping that Stephanie can come tomorrow I want to go to the Leominster library and get more books.
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