comfortable

Last night my mom was asking me about my new chair and I didn't dare tell her that I've been putting it off, it means that I'm getting weaker and I really don't want a new chair. I don't even want to read anymore because of what Stephanie.  But I was telling my mom that I do so much and they don't see it. It gets frustrating I do so much and now I don't even want to read because of what Al said . He has put me down so much and many times when I was in my apartment he wanted me out of my power chair and he always wants to change me. I do so much for myself more than allot of disabled people do and I wish that he could see it and I don't need him putting me down and he should come to me and not tell Stephanie what he wants to say to me.
I really hope that Matt and I, he's the one who helped me get my diploma and he saw me walking and doing all these things myself. I miss those days, that's why I am putting my power chair off because seeing another power chair it's not going to be easy. I know that it hurts Matt, Dave, Shawn to see me in this power chair. That's why I am going to put a special thanks to them in my movie for them and thank them for really helping me through my year at FHS and I really want this relationship to work out with Matt and I. I won't be missing my dad tomorrow I know that he would be getting a rise out of me. I miss my dad he was never like Al, he loved me for me and not for anyone else and that was nice. I am kind of nervous about being alone with Matt because I know that he might kiss me and I know that my dad will be watching the whole date. It will be nice to get out of the house for awhile and forget that I am disabled, I really hope this works out I've been asking God for a boyfriend and he probably said to my dad "watch this" and I know my dad will come in my dream tomorrow night with a huge smile. I will be excited to get out of this house for awhile and get out of this stressful house too :)
I am going on a date tomorrow night with Matt and I am so excited I haven't hung out with him since 2003 and we miss each other, he is taking me to the rabbit hole and I'm sure we'll get dinner and get ice cream. I am excited I haven't been on a date in a long time and I know that my dad will be smiling down on me. Dawn and Stephanie will be texting me all night tomorrow and on Thursday I will be with Stephanie and she'll probably be teasing me and I know that they'll be asking me all these questions. Stephanie is going to my shower and then get me in a cute out fit and I won't know what to think when he comes here and we go hang out, I am smiling right now about tomorrow. When I saw him last week at Market Basket I almost jumped out of my wheelchair and I was so happy. Today I went to get some advise from Dale about Al, and she said "just tell him you're reading the bible verses on your computer" and I texted him that and I can't please him or my mom. I told my mom that Stephanie didn't do my shower today and I could tell she got upset, but if the showers are that important to her than she should do one.But she only wants to do the easy things. I know that when I'm with Matt tomorrow I will forget about my mom and Al too :)
I really hope that I can meet with Ann my dds worker I need and want to move out, my mom doesn't need me she has Jorma and the TV and the phone. So I'm not needed by her and I wish that I was. It gets annoying how I'm always in my room, when Stephanie changes my room around she always asks me "why do you change it?" I want to say "I spend allot of time in here and you don't spend time with me and I can't do it every night alone" that gets old. If Ann my dds worker gets me more pca hours then I will tell my mom "you don't spend time with me at nights and I can't always stay in here" I want someone here with me when I go into spasms I need to be reminded to keep calm and my mom ignores me. She doesn't like doing my showers but when they aren't done when she wants them done she doesn't like that and it gets annoying. She use to do my laundry but she won't anymore, she won't even empty my trash. Between her and Al I don't know who is worse, they don't love the real me. Al wants me to read the bible more, but when I do my quotes and bible verses I do read it and I find some that are for me. When I was at my apartment he wanted me in a manual chair and he wants me swimming but I'm not sure if ever really loved me for me, my mom use to before Jorma came into the picture. But Jorma wants all of her time and my mom wants the phone, I wish that she would want me more.