I really need to move out

I am going out today again, after Stephanie leaves I am going to barns and noble again. It gives me something to do, when I'm sitting around here I get bored and Stephanie only wants to work until 2 so I will go to barns and noble and there is a park so I'll go there and take my book, puzzle book, ipod, drinks and live. My mom will be making her coffee bread and Jorma will be working in the kitchen and if I stay here than I will be in the way and my day will be long. But when I go to barns and noble my day goes by fast and I like that, last night I didn't get home until 9:04pm and when I was out I forgot that I was disabled and that was nice. I will also bring my note book to start writing my movie I know my mom wouldn't allow me to bring my laptop so I'll bring my note book and write it. Tomorrow is the Finnish fair I like it but then it makes me sad too because I remember all the times that I was with my dad. There is one spot that I like to go where my dad and I always sat at and I think of him. When I'm out I like to meet new people too, last night I inspired someone I was telling them my story and they told my mom "you have an amazing daughter". I wish that she could see it, but she's to busy looking at my wheelchair. When I get on the lift on my van she always says "is your chair off?" I say "yes" I am disabled but I'm not stupid.

I really like having a life, I can't always stay at home. I have so many doctor's appointments I am glad that my dad taught me how to live even though I am this disabled. I don't always need my mom unlike Jorma he always needs her and he can't go any where without her and the other day she went to get her hair cut and he needed to go with her. I wanted to say "grow up" last December he told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy but he always needs her. If dds gets me more pca hours than on Saturday's I can go out with them my mom really doesn't like taking me out she only wants the easy things, such as putting me in bed, taking me out, doing my meds. I miss the old her when Jorma wasn't in our lives she was different but the enemy took her away and it's to bad because she was an amazing mom but now she gives her time to everyone else but me and it hurts me allot.

This morning around 11am my mom came and told Stephanie and I that she was going to baking her coffee bread all day so that she couldn't pick me up from barns and noble. So we went out and when we came back she said "I'm going to home depot and other places" and I started to cry and when she came back I ignored her. She was telling me about something about Hailey and Ella and I just ignored her, and now she's watching some Finnish show. I told her that I'm not going to the Finnish fair I'm going to church where they want me around and they like to see me but when it comes to my family they really don't care about me. I am just sick of the way my mom treats me, I was so happy to go out and then she said "you can't go out because I'm baking" but when I come home she's going to the home depot. I wish I was more important to her but I'm not and I wish that I was more important to her but I'm just her disabled daughter. It hurts me allot the way she treats me, on Monday I am going to call Ann from dds and ask her when is the soonest that she can get me out of here. I am not needed here she gives all her time to everyone else but when it comes to me I'm just her option and it makes me not want to be around her. Last Sunday she did the same thing, I came back from church and she said "I need to go to the home depot", I'm just sick of being her only option and I'm sick of being rejected and she puts down that she works but she really doesn't.


I remember when my mom use to care about me, now all she cares about my showers, laundry, and when my sheets get changed. I wish I could tell her how I am feeling but she would get mad so I don't bother with it. She's always with Jorma or the phone, this Monday I am going to call dds and ask them if they found a new home for me. Today when I went to Shaw's this guy started to talk to me and he's a born again Christian and he is young and he invited me to this free concert tomorrow at 6pm I couldn't find it Leominster so if it's in Fitchburg than I will put on a sweatshirt and then go down there. I need to start living and I know my mom didn't like how I went on the date the other day because she wanted Stephanie to do my shower and when it wasn't done when she wanted it done she got upset. I need to move out, it's getting to stressful for me to live here. I feel bad for Stephanie how she needs to do everything and I am hoping that dds can get me more pca hours, so that she doesn't need to do everything. I need the company and I know my mom doesn't understand that but I need the company too she gets it from Jorma, and the phone and every one needs company and I've asked her "why don't you sit in my room" and she always says "I don't want to fall asleep in on your bed". I am sick of being rejected and unwanted by her too, if she was in my position I would be spending time with her. But she's got all the people in her life that she wants and needs and it hurts me allot. I was so excited to go to barns and noble tonight and when she said "I'll be baking" but when I came home with Stephanie she went out and when she came back I ignored her. On Saturday nights she watches the Finnish news and that's what she is doing right now with Jorma and I am done living here!