Please keep me in your prayers

It's raining out today, I'm still going to go out because I need it. I hope there isn't tension between Steph and I, on Saturday when we left from cross roads she was quiet and while I was waiting for her I kept calling her to get my headphones and she kept ignoring my calls. In February when I went to look at the volunteer place she told my mom and I that she was going to leave. I want to volunteer, my mom and Steph they don't need me they have their own lives and it's time that I start living my life too. Lacy will miss me, yesterday when I came back from church she was so happy to see me. My mom wants Steph to put gas money in the van how last week we went to the mall and we were supposed to go to the beach. My mom needs to tell that to Steph I'm tired of being the middle person, I deal with allot between my mom and Steph. Neither one of them really likes to be around me anymore, Steph always leaves early so she can go plan her wedding and my mom does her own thing. I know that Dawn my best friend cares she's always reading my blogs. On Saturday we talked for a half hour, I consider her my older sister she helps me through allot
I went to barns and noble this afternoon, there was nothing else to do here. While I was there I was working on my testimony, so Steph is going to read it tomorrow. I wrote about my dad, my disabilities, Lacy and I go out even though I have the disabilities. Cross roads & horizon both encouraged me to write it. Tomorrow I am going to the Leominster library, I'll bring my laptop. I like being outside and getting out of this house there's nothing to do here anyway, when I got home my mom was upstairs. I wish that she would need me more but she doesn't, she doesn't want to change my sheets either. I've been through so much in my 29 years and it's not easy. Steph is planning her wedding and I saw her do the invites so that she can send them to people. I forgot to call Ann my dds worker today, I really want to volunteer or get a paid job somewhere. Tomorrow when I go to barns and noble I need to remember to ask them if they're hiring. The nice thing about my mom she's going to get me the barns and noble membership card. Suvi kept promising me for one but she never got me on and I wish that she would have. Blogging really helps me, in the Joel Esteen book he said to keep a journal, I've always kept a journal so did my dad.
Lately my mom has been really rude with me and I don't know what the heck I did to her either. She doesn't spend any time with me, she spends so much time with Jorma. They can't live without each other and it's sad in a way, he use to live in Mary's basement and I don't know why he can't again. Like I've said before if he can afford his own car insurance and pay some of his own bills then he can afford his own apartment if I didn't need all the help I could live on my own. It's not easy finding dependable pca's, I wish that I could live own my own. My mom and sister's wouldn't trust me, because 4 years ago they thought that I tried to kill myself but I didn't try to kill myself. Dawn called me and I was honest with her and I told her that I didn't try to kill myself. I was filling my drink packets and one of my bottles fell and my mom had to pick it up and she didn't like that because she had do something for me. She'd rather talk on the phone, watch her shows and not spend time with me. I could find another pca to help steph out but my mom wouldn't like that, when I get the volunteer job then I'll need to have a night pca. I know my mom and Jorma won't like it but oh well, I need to do something to forget my disabilities.
Steph was telling me today my mom is so confusing how she wants my showers done and she doesn't want me to go out. But I need to go out, she texted me that she's sick of playing our games. On Friday's I like to go to barns and noble but my mom doesn't like when I go, but she goes out with her friends every Friday night. If I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be stuck in the house all the time.My mom doesn't realize that showers take allot of me and I wish I could explain to her but she wouldn't listen to me anyway. My mom gets paid the same amount that Steph does and my mom doesn't like when I go places she always wants me to stay in. My van takes allot of gas, I did a fund raiser when I got the power chair in 2006 and my mom doesn't want to do another fund raiser for a smaller van. I wish I could hire another pca because when I had Dale I had Siira and Suvi too. I would want another pca, to do things with me at nights. When Siira worked for me she would help me decorate my bible verses and quotes, Steph doesn't like to do those kinds of things. I'm not sure what will happen after she gets married, I know that she wants kids. I was telling her on Saturday when I went to cross roads everyone was nice to me and when I was down stairs this woman Joy kept giving me these looks. Joy's husband thinks that I'm crazy, and they kept giving me looks. I don't mean to be a distraction but I can't reposition myself. Wednesday after the botox evaluation I want to meet up with my friend Kayley so that Steph can show her the right way to break a spasm and how to reposition me. I get allot of spasms and my body doesn't stay still it never has. I wish it would, it gets annoying having all these spasms and pain. All the pastors were nice to me, and they said that they need to give me speeding tickets I don't mind them joking around with me. My spasms started to get worse after I left FHS they took PT away from me they told me that classes were more important than PT was. In 2006 one of the doctors told me that I needed the power wheelchair and I remember when I had that evaluation I told Chris the wheelchair guy that I didn't like him. I kept fighting the PT and him, yes the power chair helps me but before I could do allot for myself and I wasn't in this much pain but since I started to use the wheelchair I got weaker and I hate it. 
I need you
Jars Of Clay
Strangely out of place
There is a light filling this room where
None would follow before

I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away

I need You, I need You, I need You
I need You, I need You, I need You
You're all I'm living for

I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt You moving closer to me

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
I can't deny it burns me upside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Only have a second to spare
All the time in the world to know You're there
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away